In Response
to the Craigslist Personals Ad: Attractive SWM Working on Divorce
Seeks Petite Asian Female or Any Other Exotics. Blonde White Girls with Slim Figures
Get Big Points Too!
Hi there
I must say
this email thing
is such an odd way
to communicate what I have to say
to you
let you know what I think
I mean
about your ad
but this online dating
is new to me
too
I want to respond
because your posting
seems “real”
Not like
all the other SWMs
SBMs
SAMs
or SWDJMs
(Single White Divorced Jewish Males)
and everyone else out there
What you have to say seems “real”
a clear indication of the sociopolitical realities
in our country
a.k.a. “race relations”
So
if you like what I’ve got to say
get back to me
your picture gets mine
Dear Attractive SWM looking for petite
Asian women or exotics or blonds
I have to say
you caught my eye
yes
indeed you did!
I was flying as fast as I could
through all the other men in cyber space
thinking there was no place for me
in the dating scene
and then
(ta-da)
there you were
I am exotic
not like dark and lovely
more like foreign and hot
like I know my way around the bedroom
just like you said
Have you seen the magazine models from Africa
yeah
the real plum dark ones
I’m just that shade
but there’s even more
wait until I tell you the rest
I’m Nigerian
Yes
that’s right!
Africa
and I think someone like you
would know Africa is a continent and not a country
I just thought so since you seem to know what you want
exotic women from around the world
Well
in case you don’t
buy a world map
But you live in the Bay Area
so I’m sure you know
Other men in the past
who’ve thought I was exotic and hot
say they’ve traveled to my homeland
Maybe you have too
When you reply
please let me know if I qualify as
foreign and fantasy fulfilling
enough
Before you make up your mind
let me tell you
that I left Nigeria when I was only one
but I still have true African roots
and my vagina’s still got
dancing tigers
and Black Panthers
prancing through this forest
note:
The Black Panthers referred to here are a type of wild animal in Africa, and not
a Black radical organization founded in the 1960’s.
I know you don’t like politics.
So far, what do you think?
I can show you through the safari
and you will hear lions roar when we make love
And above all else
I can perfect my Igbo accent
or my British English
depending on which one seems
more sexy or exotic
And I must be a fool to think
you wouldn’t know that
there’s no such language as Nigerian
in a country with 250 tribes and
the British conquered that territory
and called it home
and managed to rape a few exotic
women on their way through
But like I said
you must know about the women you date
And I didn’t even say
I’m educated
you said you wanted an ivy league degree
and mine comes from Berkeley
But don’t worry
I won’t fault you on the fact
that you left the letter “u” out of education when you spelled it
But like I said
email is such a strange way to communicate
you probably just forgot
Imagine that!
I am curious what you meant
when you said
you’re looking for someone
with no baggage
and no problems
and close family ties
I haven’t been home in a few years
but I still love my mother
and I still miss my brother
dead three years now
But I never thought of it as baggage
just breathing and alive
with a heart pumping
And I wonder
how does a man
who only likes petite Asian women
or white slim blondes
or exotic erotics from any dark land
whose still working on his divorce
while posting a personals add on Craigslist
define “problems” or “baggage”
It’s just a question
And you said you wanted my breasts small
the kind that stand at attention as if enrolled in the military
the kind that receive medals of honor for service to its country
after all
soldiers in training
can rape a fellow cadet at West Point
spread her legs open
like the map of a military target
and devise tactics
practice what they’re taught
decide how to attack the “enemy”
and know they’ll get a ribbon
pinned to their suit instead of a legal dispute
And you said you wanted me small
5’4” exactly and nothing more
I’m not Asian
but If I was
and if we had children
would you let our daughter
marry someone
(a man)
who looks like me
and you wanted me to be quiet
feet bound and tied together
swollen
Sorry
I got off track
I know that’s not what you meant
especially in Berkeley in modern times
I know you just wanted me to be well
educated at Harvard or Princeton
middle class
short and beautiful
no hot
breath taking
with breasts the size of cherries
without an opinion
even after I paid thousands of dollars
for an education
And you promise to pay close attention to my breast and nipples
actually
I don’t need that
the doctor does the same thing every year during my annual exam
well
like you asked for
I am foreign
female
third world girl
who can’t go blonde
naturally
or continue to volunteer her breasts
for the US army
or remain mute
when you slap her to the ground
or turn her eye into a soft Georgia peach
or teach her how to move through life
on her back or knees
so to the brotha’
dude
financial district foreign exchange student
Buddha enlightened
thousands of years later
eco friendly vegetarian lookin’ for a hottie
Sagittarius in the Age of Aquarius
green guy with political rhetoric
Mr. I just want to get to know you better
Mr. endowed with many assets
Mr. wants to pay all the right woman’s bills
in exchange for no strings attached sex
Mr. married guy seeking bored housewife for freaky fun
Mr. I’ve seen the depths of your soul while meditating
Mr. bored tonight and my online game site is down
Women are not sculptures
Michelangelo’s David
is in a museum
where it belongs
You can go there if the
right breasted
right colored
right walking
talking
family values
wants to have your kids
and be your soul mate
on the first date
woman
doesn’t come along
But if you’re interested
in a living
breathing
being
with the eye
hair and skin
color
she was born with
on this soil or elsewhere
that will raise hell
and holler
under any circumstances
to save her life
Take a chance
and remember
your picture gets mine
-Uchechi Kalu
Copyright 2003
All rights reserved.
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